With the holiday season winding down, fans of the leading Republican presidential candidates may be looking for last-minute gift ideas. It’s hard to choose a present for the would-be commander-in-chief, especially the ones who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge human-caused climate change, so here are our suggestions for the leading contenders:
Ted Cruz Cruise
Redeem your Ted Cruz cruise gift certificate for a tour of coastal cities that will likely be underwater if Cruz gets his wish for unchecked carbon pollution. Continuing business-as-usual levels of pollution, the world would be on track for 4 degrees of warming. This could lock in enough sea level rise to submerge land currently home to 470 to 760 million people. New Orleans, Miami, New York, Philadelphia and Virginia Beach are all on the itinerary of at-risk cities. Go global and see London, Mumbai and Sydney as they are today, before unchecked Cruz-fancied global warming changes them irreversibly.
Donald Trump – Trump Cards
When presented with scientific facts about climate change, carbon pollution and evidence that the planet is already warming and experiencing extreme weather, just present these handy cards pre-printed with phrases that are bound to shut down those science-wielding know-it-alls. When you throw down a Trump card displaying the words “global cooling” or “warming pause”, the folks who spout climate facts will be so befuddled by your lack of basic understanding that they will likely just shut up and walk away. This pack of Trump cards also includes handy weather-based phrases such as “snow” and “cold” to use when suggesting that the presence of cold things disproves climate science.
Carly Fiorina – Apple iPad
For Carly Fiorina, we recommend a new Apple iPad. Fiorina could use a glimpse at how successful technology companies are not debating climate change, but instead working to stop it. Fiorina presided over a 65% drop in HP’s stock as CEO. She could use some lessons from Apple’s CEO Tim Cook who calls climate change “one of the great challenges of our time” (and who, by the way, has presided over a doubling of Apple’s stock price). Fiorina should learn that economic success – both for companies and countries – can go hand in hand with reducing pollution.
Marco Rubio – Water bottle
We all know Marco Rubio likes to drink water. That’s understandable since he is a human being and we all depend on drinking water for survival. Unfortunately, Rubio doesn’t want to do anything about climate change and that’s bad news for people who drink water. An analysis performed for NRDC found that by mid-century, one-third of all counties in the continental United States will face higher risks of water shortages as a result of global warming. More than 400 of these counties will face extremely high risks of water shortages. With this in mind, we recommend Rubio stock up on water while he can.
Ben Carson – Bug Zapper
Sadly, climate change is more than an annoyance and it can’t just be swatted away. That’s why we recommend a bug zapper for Dr. Ben Carson. As the climate changes, small bugs like mosquitoes will become bigger problems for people. Higher temperatures, longer summers and changes in rainfall patterns will all contribute to an environment in which insects can remain active for longer seasons and in wider areas. As a medical doctor, Carson should know that insect-borne diseases like dengue fever and West Nile Virus are a life-threatening health challenge. Since Carson is unwilling to address climate change, a bug zapper seems to be his best protection.
Chris Christie – Magic 8 ball, Ouija Board
Chris Christie doesn’t want to be bound by the opinion the world’s scientists when it comes to the severity of climate change and our need to act on it. He relies instead of his “feeling” about whether carbon pollution and a dramatically warming planet is something to be concerned about. We recommend Christie also consult the Magic 8 ball and Ouija board, which provide similarly reliable advice for predicting the future.
Jeb Bush – Dodgeball
For Jeb Bush, we suggest the movie Dodgeball. This slapstick comedy seems to have been an inspiration for Jeb’s campaign in which he is unsuccessfully trying to dodge the denier label. Jeb’s climate positions have included calling acceptance of climate science “intellectual arrogance,” waffling on whether humans are contributing to the problem, and consistently failing to present any plan to reduce carbon pollution. He’s trying to dodge that denier label, but as long as he continues to deny the need to act on climate change, we’ll keep calling him a denier. Maybe he can pick up a few tips on dodging from Ben Stiller and friends.
Don’t forget your stocking stuffers. As a resident of the North Pole, Santa definitely wants to act on climate. With Arctic sea ice retreating and reindeer threatened by climate change, Santa puts climate deniers on the naughty list. You can be sure every denier will get a lump of coal for his or her stocking. This should keep both candidates and the Dirty Energy companies bankrolling their campaigns happy. With coal companies in financial trouble and clean energy on the upswing, Dirty Energy is grateful for any new customer – even if the occasional purchase by the man in the red suit won’t be enough to put their books back in the black.